My Heart is Aching...

I have to be honest. I've purposely/selfishly tried to avoid all of the coverage on the Tornado in Oklahoma. I had an alert from CNN come through my phone yesterday stating that over 20 people are dead, and among the victims were children. My heart hurts so bad just hearing that, that I don't think I can put myself through putting a name to the victims, hearing their stories, hearing how some kids are still stuck in the buildings, scared, and wanting their mommy and daddy....

This year has been such a tragic year for so many. Sandy Hook, Boston Marathon, the Oklahoma Tornado, and I'm sure there are other huge tragic events that I'm missing that I tried to delete from my memory. Part of me feels so guilty not wanting to know what's going on, and forgetting about these sad events. The other part of me really can't take much more. I'm 2 seconds from quitting my job, building a bunker and never ever letting Gavin out of my arms.

I truly cannot even imagine what it is like to lose your children. I pray and hope I never experience this...I know and trust that God is in control, I am confident He has a perfect plan, and I know that things like this shouldn't cause me to question Him, but sometimes it does. Not to the point where I doubt Him, but I just don't understand. I wish He wouldn't allow things like this to happen. I know that none of us deserve everything that we've been blessed with, and that He is good, but I pray that God wouldn't bless me with my perfect, sweet little boy, only to take him away. My heart breaks for the parents who do not know if their children are alive, and for the parents who knows that their kids are no longer here.

I pray that God protects you Gavin from all of the evil in this world. This world is a scary place, but there are a lot of good things. I pray that we do not lose sight of the good, and that we keep our eyes focused on Him, otherwise it's easy to get swept up with fear, and negativity. I pray that I never forget how blessed and fortunate I am to be your mother, and that I never take it for granted. Not that I have ever once wished that I wasn't, but somedays there are times I'm so exhausted and worn out that I get frustrated...not with you. Just things like, waking up in the middle of the night because you want to watch Thomas, and it's 2:30 in the morning...like last night! Or the fact we were up playing by 5 am because you couldn't sleep any longer. Things like that are so little, and I shouldn't feel sorry for myself that I'm so tired when you know what...I'm so much more lucky to have these moments with you. I love you so much little boy. I hate that it takes things like this to snap me back into reality about how fragile life really is. You are blessed with a mommy who will do anything for you, always. You have the best daddy you could ask for. You are surrounded by SO many friends and people who love you, that sometimes it even blows me away that such a young guy can have so many people who care for him, already! You are so awesome, thank you for being my Gavey.

On days like this, where things do not makes sense, and I just want to hold my baby tight and protect him forever I have to remember...

 

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6)"